a switch. that’s the best way I can describe it.
deep inside, only accessible after completing a series of challenges, like some kind of real life adventure game. answer some riddles correctly, arrange certain objects in the required order and a switch appears.
then enter the command – “turn on switch”
the system responds; “furnace on”
somewhere between my latest “dark night of the soul” experience, and publicly declaring a specific goal for this sunday’s 10km fun run, something changed.
or rather, a whole bunch of stuff came together and caused that switch to be flicked to “on”. finally. after waiting patiently in the “off” position for 44 years, 2 months, 1 week and a few days.
switches are very patient things, it seems.
short term impacts
things have been done. email inboxes emptied after being at “almost empty” for some time. decisions clarified.
the changes first started to appear in the form of no longer hating motivational slogan images on facebook. and motivational videos.
i hated that shit with cynical passion. always seemed trumped up, false, a load of crap.
the amateur psychologist in me (i.e. I once read “psychology for dummies”) says that this was all a reflection. those posters and videos reflected back at me, reminded me of how unmotivated I was, and how deep down my soul was crying out for change.
impacts have been seen with my training; despite the highs of the marathon, the experience of the marathon training, I’m currently enjoying the best week of training. ever.
my 8km on Sunday felt fantastic. my recovery run was a little quicker than usual and felt fabulous.
cross-training at the gym this morning – weights were increased slightly. rowing times back to personal best level for the shorter distances (1km, 800m, 600m, 400m and 200m)
most of all it is a feeling inside
I feel different somehow, I think I finally understand the expression “fire in the belly”.
goals are losing their fear factor (though I may still take some time to fully embrace them).
who knows, I might even get organised at some point (hmm, maybe not get too carried away just yet eh?)
but there’s a feeling. intense yet utterly indescribable. yeah sure I can write some words to describe it, but they would be woefully inadequate.
the switch is on. the furnace is lit. the fire is burning.
and it is awesome. (oh yeah, another thing, I’ve been using that word a lot lately and not even caring lol)
is this really it this time?
the fear I have is that this is some kind of mildly manic episode. that it’s a full-moon inspired period of intense highs, and will all come crashing down again next week.
it’s happened before, I’ve got inspired for a bit only to have things change within a few days.
but there’s a different energy at work here. a new feeling.
it feels like it wants to set up home permanently.
so I guess I probably should make space for it within me.
it IS awesome.