the journal section of this site was rethought yesterday, as part of that I asked the question on the facebook page “should it stay, go or change?”
Britt, in the usual style, threw in the question “is the journey continuing?” this was easy to answer, in terms of the daily journal, however it did spark some thinking…
a funny thing happened when I went for an early morning run
pounding the streets at 3:15am, dark, silent, moist from recent downpour – no music, I’ve been running without music since the marathon, it’s therapeutic – my mind turned to the journey question.
it was supposed to be over once I crossed that finish line, but instead I found myself writing a stream-of-consciousness potted history of my life. I found myself obsessed with running. I found myself at a threshold.
in that brief bio, I concluded that I’d become comfortable with ordinariness. that’s not quite true. what I meant was that I’d become comfortable with myself, the way life has panned out to date, and the fact that I didn’t /need/ anything more.
the way it came out before sounded more like I was happy to just plod along – that, in reality is where I was before. that is actually one of the main things that have changed.
contentment, ironically, makes space for true growth
the “before” me was trying hard to do “something”. directionless, sticking only to the known, avoiding the unknown. that “me” had heard of the concept of finding a passion, doing “passion work”. but the search for that “passion” was proving fruitless.
instead, I stuck to what I knew – a passion/obsession from my earlier life that had morphed over time into simply a skill set I had built experience using.
“what I can actually do” was fraudulently acting as “what I would love to do”
in the last couple of years I’ve evolved, transformed, worked through several dark nights of the soul, and truly faced my shadow. history had reappeared, beliefs challenged, rigid opinionated nonsense flushed away.
at the very end I found a beginning. cast off the limitations of the past. ready to move forward from a solid foundation of appreciation, gratitude and contentment.
gratitude for friends and family, even those who annoy.
appreciation for the life I have.
contentment with existence.
and that provided the strength, confidence and courage to evaluate.
the “new me” turned out to be passionate about something completely different
personal fitness. running. writing. talking shit.
this was always the case really, just hidden. suppressed.
the realisation of this has changed the whole picture. it makes it impossible to file running under “done”. running, it seems, has set up home, has its feet well and truly under the table and has claimed squatter”s rights.
and I am over the moon about that.
such massive change has not been easy to accept – when you think about it, effectively tearing down a perspective that has been over 30 years in the making – well, it’s not going to be without consequence now, is it?
but it comes with its own rewards. once the courage is found to do that tearing down, you wind up staring directly at what lies beneath.
something strange yet dangerously enticing. something of petrifying beauty. what you really want.
so how about you? what do YOU really want?